Queer Men, is something missing? A Love Guys manifesto
Patrick Fitzgerald • 29 June 2021
In a digital, globalising world, it seems harder to connect than ever. Can we do it better?
There are tens of thousands of gay, bisexual and queer men in Victoria (ABS and academic surveys indicate there's up to 80,000 of us) who would like to be in stable, intimate partnerships, and deep friendships who are not; there are many hundreds of thousands of these men around Australia and many millions around the world. There is also an epidemic of loneliness, depression, anxiety and suicide across the Western World, and it disproportionately affects queer people.
Healthy friendships, partnerships and peer-support networks are a powerful antidote to these conditions. Unfortunately, however, the main channels by which GBQ men meet one another for sex, dating and new friendships today, are often inadequate to facilitate these friendships and partnerships forming; and apart from 12 Step fellowships, there are very few effective, secular peer support movements. For various reasons, including rapidly changing communication norms, in our digital, globalising world, many men also lack the skills to navigate modern dating and relationship formation, and there are very few services addressing this skills gap.
These assertions are supported by anecdotal and research evidence and Love Guys has conducted / will continue to conduct research to accurately understand the scale and nature of the problems that are defined here.
There are insufficient inclusive social spaces...
Where do we, as GBQ men, go to socialise with and meet other men? What social spaces have traditionally been available to us and which are available now?
It seems that since the dawning of gay society, the typical environments for men to meet one another have been gay bars and cruising grounds or beats. One might also have met other queers through LGBTQ societies at universites, gay sports clubs and perhaps through participating in the gay rights movement. Were these spaces sufficient to meet the social and romantic needs of all men at the time? Perhaps they were, perhaps not; it seems that they are insufficient today.
Considering the various spaces where we could meet one another:
- It is self-evident that some men are not comfortable spending time in bars and clubs where the focus of activity is drinking and dancing. These environments can also be surprisingly ‘cold’ in terms of forming social or romantic connections. Up to one half of men surveyed by Love Guys had never met a guy who they then dated at a bar or club.
- Beats are typically used for anonymous sexual encounters that don’t lead to deeper connections. The majority of men surveyed by Love Guys said that they disagreed that boyfriend or partnership connections could develop from meetings at beats, and an even larger majority had never dated a guy they met at a beat.
- University queer societies are, obviously, only relevant to those attending university.
- Gay rights activism also represents a small clique of men, and has diminished in its importance as queer equality and freedom has increased.
- Gay sports clubs remain a vibrant social space for GBQ men, but again, it is self-evident that sports teams are not for everyone.
- More inclusive, are the queer community events, like arts festivals that we are fortunate to have today. But again they can be surprisingly ‘cold’. Even men who are deeply involved in queer community can struggle to meet friends and partners in these environments, and a majority of men surveyed by Love Guys had never dated a guy they met at an LGBTQ community event.
- Other social and networking groups, like those for business or bushwalking, or informal dinner and coffee catch ups also exist and are no doubt providing value to some men but, again, there is a certain limitation to their programs that necessarily excludes many men and most groups have low attendance at their events.
- None of the groups, or social spaces described above are focused upon personal growth activities or coaching to enhance men’s relating skills, nor specifically provides support to them in the formation of friendships or partnerships. They provide opportunities to connect, but don’t facilitate those connections per se.
Modern relating is confusing…
Regardless of the social spaces we access, it seems that there are features of modern society and relating that make it harder to form social and romantic connections today than it was in times past. One such feature is the plethora of different forms of communication and the diversity, and hybridisation of cultures. In recent decades we have seen rapid changes in communications technologies, and in social structures and cultures as globalisation advances. We are all daily receiving a high volume of communications via multiple electronic channels. The effect of these changes, and this barrage of information, is that the norms of communication are fluid and changeable - so much so that we might ask if there are agreed norms at all! People are, understandably, overwhelmed. There is a need to support people to navigate this confusion and help them develop the necessary skills.
‘The Apps’ are a mixed blessing...
Replacing and supplementing some of the traditional spaces for GBQ connection are the dating and hook-up apps. In fact apps are overwhelmingly the main channel by which GBQ men, and all people, meet for sex and dating today. However anecdotal and research evidence suggests that, to a large extent, dating and hook-up apps are perpetuating norms of behaviour that are counteractive to healthy, stable relationships. They have, for example, increased the focus on sex, the focus on appearance and the focus on rapid gratification. They have increased the pace of relationship formation and at the same time created a sense that relationships are readily disposable - like consumer items.
Love Guys Cooperative meets a real need...
Love Guys Cooperative seeks to provide unique, inclusive, interesting opportunities for men to connect with one another as well as the support to establish and deepen those connections, including developing healthy, compatible, deeply rooted partnerships.
Love Guys is collating a body of knowledge about queer men's lives...